emotional support for people with cancer

Cancer is infuriating and heartbreaking and unfair, and it's important to take time to manage your own emotions before talking to your loved one with cancer. Spending too much time expressing the difficult emotions you're feeling may overwhelm and upset the person with cancer. While it’s appropriate to authentically communicate your feelings in response to the person’s diagnosis, it’s important to remember that you’re sharing their moment. If your emotions are being expressed with greater intensity than theirs, it becomes your moment and the focus is shifted away from the person with cancer. As bad as you feel, your loved one feels worse and you don't want to put them in the position of having to comfort you.

People with cancer are often asked many questions by their friends and family members and it can be physically and emotionally draining to repeat the same information multiple times. If possible, see if a family member or mutual friend can give you the basics. Do a little research online at credible websites to learn more about the specific treatment, side effects, and recovery to have a better idea of what your friend will be going through.

Every person with cancer has a different experience and they react to a cancer diagnosis in their own way. Learning some of the more common emotional effects of cancer can help you better understand what your loved one is going through.

Sadness

Most people with cancer feel sad. They feel a sense of loss of their health, and disruption of their role in life with the purpose and goals that give them meaning and satisfaction.

Fear

A cancer diagnosis is scary. It's common to worry about the treatment, the possibility of debilitating side effects, the prognosis, as well as the overall impact on quality of life.

Anger

It's natural to ask, “Why me?” They may feel anger toward the cancer itself, healthcare professionals, themselves, God or the universe, and friends and family who are healthy.

Loneliness

Cancer can be lonely. Even when they're with people, many patients feel alone in their pain and fear, and feel that other people don't understand what they’re going through.

Self-Blame

Some people believe their cancer diagnosis is because of something they did or did not do, and they wonder if they could have done something to prevent it.

Guilt

People with cancer often say their main concern is for the people they love. They feel guilty about how their illness impacts the lives of their loved ones.

Loss of Control

Some people feel helpless or powerless which is especially difficult for those who are used to being independent or being the one who takes care of everyone else.

Pressure

They can feel like they have to be strong and protect their friends and families. There is often pressure to be positive, to be a good patient, and to handle the illness well.

Hope

Once the diagnosis has been accepted and treatment has begun, they often begin to feel a sense of hope. There is good reason for hope as the chances of living a full and active life with cancer—and living beyond it—are better now than ever before.

Cancer can be an isolating experience, but just by showing up and listening, you can help them feel less alone. The most important thing is not what you say—it's that you're present and available. There are no perfect words and it’s always better to admit, “I don’t know what to say” than to avoid calling or visiting out of fear. Before visiting, contact them first and be sure they’re up for a visit. This is true whether you’re visiting someone at home or in the hospital. Give your friend permission to say no to a visit, and be flexible and understanding if they cancel at the last minute. Days can seem very long for people who are hospitalized or convalescing at home, and a visit from a friend or family member can really lift their spirits.   

People with cancer may need to talk about what is happening and express honest feelings. Active listening is a helpful way for you to show that you’re connecting to your friend's words and feelings. To be an active listener, give them your full attention and try to hear and understand how your friend feels. Listen without always feeling that you have to respond. Sometimes a compassionate and caring listener is what the person needs most. And if they don’t feel like talking, it’s okay to just sit with them quietly. There is a lot of power in simply being present.

This is the single most important point: Let your loved one set the tone of the conversation and choose the subject matter. Listen carefully to what they have to say. Have they mentioned feeling overwhelmed by visitors or phone calls? Or have they said they’re feeling lonely and restless? Always take your cue from them and respond accordingly. Keep the person in mind and think about their personality and comfort level, likes and dislikes, and needs. If you’re having trouble reading the situation, there's nothing wrong with simply asking.

People with cancer may need to talk about what is happening and express honest feelings. Active listening is a helpful way for you to show that you’re connecting to your friend's words and feelings. To be an active listener, give them your full attention and try to hear and understand how your friend feels. Listen without always feeling that you have to respond. Sometimes a compassionate and caring listener is what the person needs most. And if they don’t feel like talking, it’s okay to just sit with them quietly. There is a lot of power in simply being present.

As much as possible, we should treat the person the same way we did before their cancer diagnosis—asking their advice, soliciting their expertise, and talking about the things they’ve always enjoyed. Our loved one has a lot to offer—they don’t want to live and breathe cancer 24/7, and it’s important we remember the person they really are.

Include the person in usual social events, plans and work projects. Don't assume they don't want to be included in activities because of their cancer. They may feel too tired or ill, or they may not feel comfortable with the physical manifestations of cancer, but one way to show your support is to keep inviting them to participate. They need to feel like a valuable contributing member of their community. Let them decide for themselves what they can and cannot do. 

Cancer can be a long journey with many bad days and difficult moments. It's important t let your friend talk about feeling sad or upset. This is a normal response to what is happening to them. While it can benefit tempting to try to cheer them up, it also stops them from talking about what they're really reeling. They should be able to express feelings like fear and uncertainty, as difficult as it may be to hear. Support your friends feelings. Let them be negative, withdrawn or silent. Resist the urge to change the subject. 

Recognize that your friend with cancer may make decisions about their treatment or lifestyle differently than what you might do. It's important to support their choices, even if you don't agree with them. Don't offer medical advice or your opinions on things like diet, vitamins, and herbal therapies. Before making any suggestions or launching into any research you've done, ask permission first and be prepared to stop if you're not encouraged to continue. As well-intentioned as you are, unsolicited advice can cause unnecessary stress to the person with cancer. 

Knowing that many people are sending positive thoughts or praying for their wellbeing can provide the person with cancer with a deep sense of comfort and support. A cancer diagnosis can cause people to face their own mortality, leading them to contemplate the subject of faith. Even those who've not historically been religious can be triggered by existential concerns about the meaning and purpose of life. Whether you send prayers or healing thoughts or positive energy from the universe on behalf of your loved one, they'll be comforted by the collective power of hope for their wellbeing.